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Unger & Thirst

Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Worried Bill Gates is Microchipping the Schmaunt Fat

May 15, 2020 Andrew

REDMOND, WA Billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates has been the subject of a wide variety of speculation as of late. ‘Just why is he suddenly so concerned about our health and well-being after subjecting us to […]

Unger & Thirst

Vegetables Left Untouched After Mennonite Woman Brings Nanaimo Bars

May 4, 2020 Andrew

NANAIMO, BC When the Friesens moved out to Vancouver Island to retire in 1998, little did they know that they’d spend their golden years indulging on sweet treats that their Prairie Mennonite stomachs could only […]

Unger & Thirst

Liquor Stores See Huge Surge in Mennonite Customers

April 27, 2020 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Now that it’s become de rigueur to wear face masks or lower-than-normal düaks all over the place, Mennonites have been venturing into establishments they never would have even considered back when they might […]

Unger & Thirst

Paska Buns Kept Six Feet Apart to Keep Mennonites Safe

April 11, 2020 Andrew

NEUBERGTHAL, MB Mrs. Martens of Neubergthal has spaced out all her paska buns six feet apart this Easter to make sure no one catches any undesirable illnesses. “I got the tape measure and laid them […]

Unger & Thirst

Pennsylvania Mennonite Man Blows Entire Stimulus Check on Pig’s Head Scrapple

April 7, 2020 Andrew

AKRON, PA Mr. Ruth, 63, of Akron, Pennsylvania has decided to make the best of a bad situation and has already blown his entire $1200 government stimulus check on scrapple made from pig’s head and […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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