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Unger & Thirst

Unger & Thirst

Lottery Winner Given Rare Box of Christmas Oranges That Aren’t Stale or Rotten

December 26, 2025 Andrew

ALTONA, MB A small ceremony was held at the Altona Co-op this afternoon where Mrs. Neufeld was awarded a box of non-rotten and non-stale Christmas origins. “Wow, did you see that?” said Mrs. Kroeker, completely […]

Unger & Thirst

All Steinbach Restaurants to Serve Nothing but Pizza from Now On

December 16, 2025 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB “If there’s one thing Steinbach lacks, it’s pizza restaurants,” said local man Mr. Bueckert. “I mean, if I want to order pizza I need at least thirty or forty options rather than the […]

Unger & Thirst

Mrs. Friesen Rushes Inside to Avoid Freezing Her Buns

December 4, 2025 Andrew

GRETNA, MB Mrs. Helena Friesen had a leftover plate of raisin buns from the funeral this afternoon, which required her to hightail it to her Honda CRV lest she freeze her buns off. “Jauma, it’s […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Have No Place to Store their Crokinole Pieces After Crown Royal Plant Shuts Down

December 1, 2025 Andrew

ST. CATHERINES, ON Thousands of Mennonites across Ontario have joined Premier Doug Ford in dumping all the Crown Royal they weren’t intending on drinking anyway. “I use it for cooking or medicinal purposes only,” said […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Families Sign-Up to Bring Salads, Buns, and Measles to Upcoming Potluck

November 17, 2025 Andrew

SCHRATJLIJCH, MB The Schratjlijch Gospel Church is inviting everyone to stay after church this Sunday for a delicious potluck, including raisin buns, mashed potatoes, and a delectable array of Jell-o salads and measles. “You’re not […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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