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Articles by Andrew

Unger & Thirst

Rowdy Steinbach Hockey Fan Dumps Schmaunt Fat All Over Winkler Man

September 18, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Things got pretty intense on Friday at the junior hockey game between fierce rivals the Steinbach Windmills and Winkler Teetotalers. Security guards were unable to prevent one overly passionate Steinbach fan from dumping […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Grandmother Reacts With Disgust to Granddaughter’s Top

September 17, 2016 Andrew

ALTONA, MB Mary Esau, 72, of Altona, Manitoba was completely disgusted this past week by her granddaughter’s striped tank-top and skinny jeans. Lindsay Esau, 23, had taken time out of her busy University schedule to drive […]

The Daily Bonnet

Local Couple is Pretty Sure ‘Love Your Neighbour’ Isn’t Literal

September 16, 2016 Andrew

NEUENDORF, MB Empty nesters, Jeff and Nicole Klassen, are certain that the ‘neighbour’ referred to by Jesus is, like, way on the other side of the world and not the nosy spinster next door. “I like […]

The Daily Bonnet

20-year-old Spinster Gives Up On Marriage

September 15, 2016 Andrew

EICHENFELD, MB After two full years at Eichenfeld Bible School and a steady stream of boyfriends who didn’t propose, local spinster, Rosemary B. Ratzlaff, who turns twenty this month, says she has given up hope of ever […]

The Daily Bonnet

Dozens Injured as Mennonites Stampede to Pick Up Dime from Sidewalk in Downtown Steinbach

September 14, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB There was a stampede down Main Street Steinbach yesterday after a stray dime was dropped from Mr. Peters’ pocket. Dozens were hospitalized with a variety of injuries when thousands of locals clamoured to get […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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