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Articles by Andrew

Unger Suspicion

Legendary Hip-Hop Group Run EMC to Reunite for Annual Church Convention

July 2, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Delegates at the Evangelical Mennonite Conference convention this week will be in for a real treat, as legendary hip-hop act Run EMC is set to perform after Sunday faspa. “We’re really looking forward […]

Unger Suspicion

Canadians Gather to Celebrate 149 Years of Not Being America

July 1, 2016 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON Patriotic Canadians across the country will gather today to celebrate a really long time of not being the United States of America. “Canadians are a completely distinct culture. We have, like, slightly different […]

The Daily Bonnet

Editorial: Should Steinbach Separate From Canada?

June 30, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB I’ve taken a break from scrolling Tinder while my wife is at Superstore to talk to you about values. Yes, values. I mean the traditional Mennonite values of free-market ‘every man for himself’ capitalism, […]

Unger Suspicion

New Edition of ‘Martyrs Mirror’ to Feature Duck Dynasty Cast Members

June 30, 2016 Andrew

LAMPETER SQUARE, PA Highly revered as a sacred document of Anabaptist martyrdom throughout history, the 17th century book ‘Martyrs Mirror’ is to be updated to include modern martyrdoms like the time the guy from Duck […]

Unger Games

Hospital Entrance to be Converted into Skate Park

June 29, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB As part of a long-term plan to make Steinbach more skateboard-friendly, the local hospital ramp is currently undergoing construction to be converted into a massive skate park. “Increased hospital access for skateboarders is […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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