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Articles by Andrew

Unger Conviction

8% Tithe Now Acceptable Due to Economic Downturn

February 6, 2018 Andrew

MOUNTAIN LAKE, MN After a slumping economy and soaring unemployment rate, the Society for the Proliferation of Mennonite Churches has determined that “an 8% tithe will be acceptable for the foreseeable future.” The change was […]

Unger Suspicion

Tom Brady Blames Loss on Regulation Size Footballs

February 5, 2018 Andrew

MINNEAPOLIS, MN New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady struggled to explain his team’s loss in Super Bowl LII last night, though after pressure from reporters, confessed he felt he was hampered by having to use […]

The Daily Bonnet

5 Things Mennonites Can Watch Instead of the Super Bowl

February 4, 2018 Andrew

The Daily Bonnet has teamed up with our friends over at Mennotoba to create this list of viewing alternatives to the Super Bowl. So while all your frintschoft are in the living room pretending to […]

Unger Suspicion

‘O Canada’ to Be Replaced with Crash Test Dummies Lyrics

February 4, 2018 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON After a week long public consultation process that included chatting with random dudes on the Internet, Ottawa has decided to update the national anthem for the 21st century by using lyrics from a […]

Unger & Thirst

Buns Discovered in Mennonite Grandma’s Freezer Carbon Date to 5 Million Years Old

February 3, 2018 Andrew

TABER, AB A bag full of frozen raisin buns discovered at the back of Grandma Wiebe’s freezer this past week were taken to a University of Alberta laboratory to undergo rigorous scientific testing including carbon […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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