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Articles by Andrew

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite CPAP Machine Provides Continuous Flow of Schmaunt Fat

January 10, 2018 Andrew

HERBERT, SK Cardiologists in the small town of Herbert, Saskatchewan are testing out a new CPAP machine that would provide Mennonites with a continuous flow of schmaunt fat while they sleep. Local man Dale Broesky […]

The Daily Bonnet

Dad Spares Rod, Son Not Spoiled

January 9, 2018 Andrew

GRUNTHAL, MB In a bold experimental parenting move, local Mennonite dad Tim Fehr spoke calmly with his 8-year-old son Nathaniel and explained the situation to him, rather than hauling out the belt. To the shock […]

The Daily Bonnet

Breaking an Arm While Sledding a Hiebert Family Tradition

January 8, 2018 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB For almost four decades, the Hieberts of Steinbach have made an annual trip to Abe’s Hill to toboggan and break arms together as a family. This year was little Dylan’s first trip to […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Really Excited for Tonight’s Golden Globe Awards

January 7, 2018 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC While Hollywood gathers to dress up nice and congratulate itself, Russian Mennonites across North America are going to be celebrating their own Golden Globe Awards tonight. The Mennonite Golden Globes, held annually in […]

Unger & Thirst

Conservative Mennonite Church Approves Drinking Bud Light ‘Since it’s Not Really Beer Anyway’

January 6, 2018 Andrew

JANSEN, NE A strict Mennonite church in the small town of Jansen, Nebraska has broken decades of teetotaller tradition by approving the consumption of Bud Light. At a membership meeting on Saturday, the church board […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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