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Articles by Andrew

Unger Games

White House Announces Massive New Tariff on Sydney Crosby

April 11, 2025 Andrew

PITTSBURGH, PA It may have been temporarily paused for now, but this week the White House announced a 87% reciprocal tariff on all penguins, including hockey superstar Sydney Crosby. “Yeah, well I guess this is […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Wakes Up Bright and Early to Get in a Full Day of Quality Puttering

April 10, 2025 Andrew

NEW BOTHWELL, MB Retired cheesemaker Earl Froese, 71, got up bright and early this morning, not wanting to waste a single moment. “I’ve got a full day ahead of me,” said Froese. “There’s a lot […]

The Daily Bonnet

Winnipeg’s Biggest Bach Fan Now Totally Baroque

April 8, 2025 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Middle school music teacher Anne Martens has gone totally baroque this week attending concerts all over the city. “My mother always warned me this would happen if I didn’t watch out,” said Martens. […]

Unger the Influence

Politicians Eager to Dupe Mennonites into Thinking they Support Mennonite Values

April 7, 2025 Andrew

WAUTDESCHISSJAT, SK Politicians across Canada are eagerly courting the Mennonite vote by wording things in such a way that sounds kind of Mennonite when they say it. “I’m not actually changing my policies at all, […]

Unger Games

Ovechkin on Pace to Smash Gretzky’s All-Time Points Record by the Year 2055

April 6, 2025 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC Alex Ovechkin is now on pace to shatter the only record that really matters – career points. And the 39-year-old intends to stick around long enough to do so. “I’ll be in my […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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