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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Finally Takes Down Last Year’s Christmas Cards Just as This Year’s Start to Arrive

December 2, 2025 Andrew

MOUNTAIN LAKE, MN Mrs. Erin Janzen of Mountain Lake has finally begun to take down last year’s Christmas cards just as soon as the first batch of new ones have arrived. “It’s a painful decision, […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Have No Place to Store their Crokinole Pieces After Crown Royal Plant Shuts Down

December 1, 2025 Andrew

ST. CATHERINES, ON Thousands of Mennonites across Ontario have joined Premier Doug Ford in dumping all the Crown Royal they weren’t intending on drinking anyway. “I use it for cooking or medicinal purposes only,” said […]

Unger Games

Winnipeg Jets Plan to Lose Every Game Until Hellebuyck Comes Back

November 30, 2025 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Despite a slight hiccup in the plan last night, the Winnipeg Jets are hoping to get back on track and lose every game from now until whenever Connor Hellebuyck comes back. “I’m really […]

Unger Games

McGill Cuts Beloved Crokinole Team

November 28, 2025 Andrew

MONTREAL, QC McGill University has freed up more than $6 billion in budget space after cutting the beloved but expensive crokinole team. “Players kept flicking the pieces all over the place and losing them,” said […]

Unger Suspicion

Mennonites Demand Release of the Epsteinbach Files

November 27, 2025 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB After many years of uncertainty and protest, the Epsteinbach files will finally be released this spring. “Oba, that Elder Thiessen is delaying things,” said Epsteinbach enthusiast Laura Koop. “I’m like, if he has […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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