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Month: January 2017

Unger Suspicion

Public is Shocked to Discover Quakers Are More than Just Oats

January 4, 2017 Andrew

PHILADELPHIA, PA Thanks to some silly marketers in the late 19th century, the general public has associated Quakers almost exclusively with oats. What has been obscured with this ‘oatization’ of the Quakers is their long-standing advocacy […]

Unger & Thirst

‘Mennonite Boys Can Cook’ Cookbook Fails to Impress

January 3, 2017 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC After seeing ‘Mennonite Girls’ dominate the cooking headlines in recent years, Fraser Valley men Abe Fast and Arnold Doerksen decided they could make their own cookbook, too. “Oba, if those girls can cook, […]

The Daily Bonnet

Days After Wild Silvesterabend Party, Man Wakes Up as a Married, Father of Four, Living in the Chaco

January 3, 2017 Andrew

FILADELFIA, PARAGUAY As the evening began on December 31, 30-year-old Alberta Mennonite Peter Toews was a youngish trend-setter on the move. After one night of wild Silveresterabendfestivities in La Crete, however, Peter awoke this morning and […]

Unger & Thirst

Global Mennonite Weight Increases 50 Million Pounds Over the Holiday Season

January 2, 2017 Andrew

LANCASTER, PA Scientists at the Center for Mennonite Health in Lancaster, Pennsylvania have estimated that the collective weight of Mennonites on planet Earth reached 420 million pounds during the 2016 holiday season, an increase of […]

Unger & Thirst

Local Pastor Offers Mennonite Hangover Cures

January 1, 2017 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB In his morning sermon, a local pastor at Steinbach’s EMBM church is providing his congregants with sage advice to overcome holiday hangovers. “I’m a practical man,” said Pastor Tim. “I’m giving the people […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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