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The Daily Bonnet

Mistletoe Creates Awkward Moments at Mennonite Family Gathering

December 27, 2016 Andrew

REICHENBACH, MB The presence of mistletoe at the Epp family Christmas gathering this past week, caused quite the number of awkward moments for the Epp cousins. “I don’t know why Oma insists on putting mistletoe all […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Woman Overdoses on Christmas Oranges

December 26, 2016 Andrew

KLEEFELD, MB Local woman Mrs. Helen F. Gerbrandt, 76, of the Kleefeld area was hospitalized yesterday after consuming more than thirty Mandarin oranges in a single sitting. “She’s got way too much Vitamin C in her body,” […]

The Daily Bonnet

Boxing Day Deemed ‘Far Too Violent’ by Mennonite Church

December 26, 2016 Andrew

ROSENORT, MB An area Mennonite pastor is urging his parishioners not to participate in Boxing Day activities this winter over concerns that the traditional holiday promotes violence. “I just don’t like the sound of it,” […]

Unger & Thirst

Massive Amounts of Halva Left Over Yet Again This Year

December 25, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB For some odd reason, the mysterious sandy substance known as halva has become a Mennonite delicacy every Christmas. Yet, like always, Grandma Loewen vastly over-estimated the grandkids’ desire to eat the dry paste. “Juama […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Arrested for Saying ‘Merry Christmas’

December 24, 2016 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Every Mennonite’s biggest fear came true this past week, as an elderly man from rural Manitoba ventured into Winnipeg on a holiday shopping spree and innocently greeted each person he met with a hearty […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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