CHILLIWACK, BC
Gas stations across the province are going the extra mile this week by providing each paying customer with a complimentary kick in the groin.
“We’re trying to stand out from the crowd by giving customers a little extra service,” said local gas station manager Troy As. “So after we fill your tank, make sure to come into the store for a free kick between the legs, or an eye gouging if that’s what you prefer.”
Customers are already lining up their SUVs to take advantage of the offer.
“I hear they’re going to be sacking people all week,” said excited customer Sam Doersken. “Last time I opted for a light nudge between the legs, this time I’m hoping for a real wallop.”
With each purchase, drivers will also be given a stamp on their loyalty cards which, after ten stamps, can be exchanged for a karate chop to the throat.
“We’re really doing everything we can to keep our customers happy,” said Mr. Asel. “And don’t think just because we’re giving away free eye-gouges and kicks that we’re going to cut back on all our other services. We’ll still smudge your windshields and pretend to check your oil just like we always have. You can count on it!”