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Articles by Andrew

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Woman’s ‘Margarine Tarts’ Fail to Impress

May 16, 2019 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC Things did not go well at the bake sale on Sunday after Mrs. Penner decided she’d alter a centuries old recipe for Mennonite butter tarts by making them out of margarine. “Nah, that […]

The Daily Bonnet

Someone Put the Girl Filter on Famous Mennonites….

May 15, 2019 Andrew

Ever wondered what Menno Simons would look like as a woman? Well, you have to wonder no more. Thanks to Snapchat’s ridiculous new filter, you can find out what anyone would look like with, ugh, […]

The Daily Bonnet

Cousin Peter Friesen Gets Really Into Punk Rock

May 14, 2019 Andrew

LANDMARK, MB After experimenting with EDM for the past decade, cousin Peter Friesen has recently become “totally stoked” about Landmark’s burgeoning punk rock scene over the past six months. “This place is the new Seattle,” […]

Unger Suspicion

King Solomon to Undergo Wisdom Tooth Surgery

May 13, 2019 Andrew

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL King Solomon of Israel is undergoing wisdom tooth surgery this week after a dentist told him “they’re basically useless and your mouth is too crowded as it is.” Solomon claims he was reluctant […]

The Daily Bonnet

Modestly Attired Mennonite Model Appears in ‘Sports Illustrated’ Swimsuit Edition

May 12, 2019 Andrew

NEW YORK, NY This past week Mrs. Janzen, 74, of Abbotsford made waves after becoming the first ever Mennonite woman to appear in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. “It was a nice shot of Mrs. Janzen sitting […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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