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Articles by Andrew

Unger Games

Mennonite Mom Forces Olympians to Split Medals into Pieces and Share with their Brothers and Sisters

February 9, 2026 Andrew

MILAN, ITALY After a thorough investigation, researches have finally uncovered the reason why so many Olympic medals were found to be broken this weekend: Mrs. Esther Brandt of Rosenort. “She was going around and making […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Choir to Perform at Extra-Alternative Halftime Show

February 8, 2026 Andrew

FRESNO, CA For those looking for an alternative halftime show to either Bad Bunny or Kid Rock, the Fresno Central Mennonite Church is inviting guests to listen to their choir this afternoon. “We felt that […]

Unger Games

Canada to Field Olympic Team Entirely Made Up of Friesens and Froeses

February 6, 2026 Andrew

MILAN, ITALY The Canadian Olympic committee just announced that the entire team, in every sport, would be made up of Friesens and Froeses. “What can I say?” said bobsledder Peter Froese. “With a name like […]

Unger Suspicion

Minnesota to be Renamed ‘Manitoba South’

February 3, 2026 Andrew

ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA The state of Minnesota, famed for its lakes, cheese-stuffed hamburgers and association with the late musician Prince, has decided to forego all that and take on the new name ‘Manitoba South.’ “People […]

Unger the Influence

George Washington Completely “Absolved” in New Epstein Files

February 1, 2026 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC Historians are breathing a sigh of relief this weekend as not a single mention of George Washington was discovered in the latest batch of Epstein files. “His name has been completely cleared,” said […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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