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Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Woman Concerned About Her Stock After Markets Tumble

March 28, 2025 Andrew

ALTONA, MB Area woman Aganetha Barkman rushed home from the quilting bee this afternoon after hearing on the radio that stocks were crashing. “Not on my watch!” proclaimed Barkman, hopping into her CRV. “I remember […]

Unger Games

Blue Jays Grounds Crew Scrambles to Clean Up All the Friendship Bracelets Remaining from Last Fall’s Taylor Swift Concerts

March 27, 2025 Andrew

TORONTO, ON Blue Jays staff have been working overtime getting Rogers Centre in tip top shape for their opening day tilt against the Baltimore Orioles. Most pressing for the staff was cleaning up the hundreds […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Church’s Shocking Peace Plan Revealed in Group Chat

March 26, 2025 Andrew

HARRISONBURG, VA A security blunder has revealed a Harrisonburg-area Mennonite church’s plans to spread peace and love in their community. “I can’t say who sent it to me,” said journalist Andrew Unger. “All I know […]

Unger Conviction

Church Dismantles Department of Sunday School Education, Citing High Cost of Flannelgraph Boards

March 25, 2025 Andrew

HARRISONBURG, VA The brand new pastor at North Harrisonburg Mennonite Church has taken the bold step of completely dismantling the entire Sunday school program, citing the high cost of flannelgraph boards, dry macaroni, and nontoxic […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonites Really Looking Forward to Violating One of the Core Tenets of their Faith By Voting in Upcoming Election

March 23, 2025 Andrew

LINDEN, AB Thousands of Canadian Mennonites are really looking forward to ridding themselves of one of the foundational doctrines of their faith by voting in the upcoming federal election. “I guess it’s that time again,” […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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