TORONTO, ON
Thousands of Mennonites across Canada were relieved this afternoon after Canada ended their match with Croatia in a tie.
“That way no one goes home happy,” said Pete Dyck of Kitchener. “You know, had I known there were so many ties, I’d have started watching soccer years ago.”
Dyck has spent the last two decades studying nonviolent conflict resolution, and believes soccer has something to offer in this regard.
“The fact they’re willing to go home without declaring a winner? Well, what could be more nonresistant than that,” said Dyck. “I like to think that soccer is kind of the Third Way of sports.”
After the game, Dyck and his friends from church sat around in the BMO Field parking lot holding hands and praying for more ties this World Cup.
“When it’s all over, maybe they can divide the Cup evenly between all the teams,” said Dyck. “Well, even if it’s just Canada, Paraguay, and Mexico, I’d be satisfied.”
Moved by the Mennonites in attendance, FIFA announced they’d be awarding their second annual Peace Prize to whichever goaltender let in the most game-tying goals.