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Articles by Andrew

Unger the Influence

Webster’s Dictionary Redefines “Ceasefire” as “Active Battle”

May 8, 2026 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC A request from the Ministry of Truth in Washington has pressured Webster’s Dictionary to redefine “ceasefire” as “all out warfare.” “Too many people were under the false impression that ceasefire means you actually […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Doesn’t Have Enough Space on Census Form to List All His Kids

May 7, 2026 Andrew

AYLMER, ON Area man Johan Dyck ran out of space on his census form this week after being asked to list all 31 children. “I got Mary, Isaac, Peter, Susie, Abe, David, Heinrich, Anne, Ruth, […]

Unger Games

Tariffs Move Leafs’ Pick from First to Sixty-Seventh

May 6, 2026 Andrew

TORONTO, ON Fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs were all excited about their victory in the NHL draft lottery this afternoon until they discovered they’d actually be picking 67th due to tariffs. “Ah, shoot,” said […]

Unger the Influence

Man Who Aced Cognitive Test Can’t Tell Jesus From a Doctor

May 5, 2026 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC A man who routinely brags about the cognitive test he aced apparently cannot tell the difference between images of himself dressed as Jesus and a doctor. “It was a very hard test. No […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Finally Takes Off His Winter Tires

May 4, 2026 Andrew

AYLMER, ON Mr. Todd Driedger of Aylmer is always the last one in all of Aylmer, Ontario to switch over to his summer tires. “I could tell Daisy was ready for a change,” said Driedger, […]

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