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Month: August 2024

Unger Conviction

Cellphone Ban Coming to Mennonite Churches this Fall

August 15, 2024 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB In a historic agreement, Mennonite denominations across the province have come together in a united front to ban all cellphones in church this fall. “Look we know the sermon’s boring, but we can’t […]

The Daily Bonnet

Costco Cracks Down on Mennonites Sharing Memberships

August 13, 2024 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC Mennonites across the Fraser Valley are in a panic this week after they learned that Costco would no longer be allowing entire church congregations to pass around one membership card. “I think Mrs. […]

Unger & Thirst

‘Hawk Tuah Girl’ Launches Her Own Brand of Knackzoat

August 12, 2024 Andrew

BELFAST, TN In an effort to cash in on her newfound fame, viral Internet sensation Hailey Welch, better known as ‘Hawk Tuah Girl’ has started a brand new company specializing in roasted and lightly salted […]

Unger Games

Mennonite Woman Finishes Dead Last in Olympic Breakdancing Competition

August 11, 2024 Andrew

CUAUHTEMOC, MEXICO After a disastrous last place finish at Paris 20224, Team Mexico says this is the last time they will let a Mennonite woman onto the national breakdancing team. “I’m not sure what they […]

Unger the Influence

Concerned Niverville Residents Demand Meeting at 32,000 Seat Stadium

August 10, 2024 Andrew

NIVERVILLE, MB After the Niverville Heritage Centre was not large enough to accommodate the crowd of concerned Nivervillians this week, residents are demanding a meeting at Princess Auto Stadium. “We must have room for every […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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