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Unger the Influence

Mennonite Farmer Hires Pierre Poilievre to Count His Chickens Before they’re Hatched

April 2, 2025 Andrew

GRUNTHAL, MB Area poultry producer Garth Broesky has reached out to Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre to come on down to Grunthal and help him count all his chickens before they’re hatched. “He was getting so […]

The Daily Bonnet

Ovechkin Accidentally Passes the Puck

April 1, 2025 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC On the verge of breaking the all-time goal-scoring record in the NHL, Alex Ovechkin of the Washington Capitals, accidentally passed the puck last night. “Ugh, an assist,” said Ovechkin. “What the hell am […]

Unger the Influence

Progressives Find Themselves in Awkward Position of Having to Say Nice Things About a Banker

March 31, 2025 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON It came out of nowhere, but left-leaning liberals and progressives across Canada are suddenly huge fans of bankers. Banker-mania is sweeping the nation, some even going so far as sporting Mark Carney-inspired haircuts. […]

Unger the Influence

Doug Ford Accidentally Shuts Off Power to His Own Province

March 30, 2025 Andrew

TORONTO, ON Weeks after threatening to shut off the power to several US states, it appears that Ontario Premier Doug Ford has accidentally shut off the power to his own province. “Yeah, ooops, I don’t […]

Unger & Thirst

Local Potluck to Feature Delectable Array of Measles

March 29, 2025 Andrew

SCHRATJLIJCH, TX The Schratjlijch Gospel Church is inviting everyone to stay after church this Sunday for a delicious potluck, including roast beef, mashed potatoes, and a delectable array of Jell-o salads and measles. “You’re not […]

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