Anonymous sources close to Santa Claus have revealed his list of very naughty Mennonites to the Daily Bonnet. The following Mennonites will NOT be receiving presents this year, because they’ve been very very bad! (The rest of you will be receiving socks).
- Mr. George Barkman, 101, Yarrow – flirting with the Thiessen sisters during Bible Study
- Sarah Berg, 10, Saskatoon – not keeping her hands to herself during the pastor’s boring children’s story
- Miss Erin Burkholder, 31, Lancaster – creating a Tinder profile without the elder board’s permission
- Colin Fehr, 3 months, Mountain Lake – peeing in his mother’s lap during communion
- Petey Friesen, 7, Linden – numerous occurrences of audible farting
- Miss Noami Hostetler, 19, Kitchener – twerking in the church parking lot
- Mr. Peter Isaac, 80, Blumenort – infidelity (holding a hymnal with another woman)
- Mrs. Mary Janzen, 69, Wichita – inadequate scrubbing during the foot-washing service
- Mrs. Susan Klassen, 51, Chihuahua – quilting under the influence
- Mr. Charlie Kraybill, 39, New York City – living in a city
- Miss Anne Loewen, 21, Winkler – peering into the men’s section at church
- The Millers of Elkhart – cliquishness
- Ms. Alice Neufeld, 45, Kleefeld – cavorting with a Lutheran
- Mrs. Dorothy Penner, 83, Steinbach – excessive use of star anise in her chicken soup
- The entire Reimer family of Altona -numerous instances of inadequate singing volume during Hymn 606
- Mr. William Stoltzfus, 25, Goshen – winking at Sally Weaver during the Lord’s Prayer
- Mrs. Audrey Toews, 71, Abbotsford – moving from Manitoba to British Columbia
- Mr. Andrew Unger, 30-something, Steinbach – spotting
- Timothy Unrau, 17, La Crete – too many Dyck jokes (10 is the maximum)
- Dylan Vogt, 8, Altona – knacking zoat in the car all the way to the Vogt gathering in Reinland
- Mr. Guillermo Wall, 68, The Chaco – hoarding yerba
- Miss Sally Weaver, 23, Goshen – winking back at William Stoltzfus during the Lord’s Prayer
- Mr. Henry Yoder, 91, Lancaster – keeping his eyes open to he could watch the young people winking at each other during the prayer
- Mrs. Helen Zimmerman, Lancaster – keeping her eyes open so she could watch Mr. Yoder watching the young people keeping their eyes open.
Congratulations to all those who didn’t make this list this year. Please try harder next year.