EDMONTON, AB
In an effort to “balance religious freedoms with the need to protect our children,” the Alberta Ministry of Edumacation has decided to churn out snazzy new Bibles that exclude anything that might be deemed objectionable to a panel of bureaucrats in a downtown Edmonton office.
“All that ‘breasts like fawns’ nonsense has got to go,” said Edumacation Minister Diedrich Nickel. “We’re also not too keen on the menstruation verses in Leviticus 15.”
Also gone is the story of David and Bathsheba and any of the stories involving Lot’s daughters.
“I know we told you religious texts wouldn’t be touched, but we don’t want anyone accusing us of hypocrisy, now do we?” said Nickel. “We have to be consistent with our values. Besides, we know what’s good for your children; just trust us.”
Nickel explained that Alberta families can read about Gomer, Tamar, Samson and Onan all they want, but have to keep it to after-school hours.
The new G-rated Bibles will be distributed to Alberta schools this fall. With all mentions of violence also removed, the new books are expected to be between 50-60 pages long.