WASHINGTON, DC
President Trump announced this afternoon that he would be awarding Winnipeg Jets/Team USA goaltender Connor Helleybuyck the nation’s highest civilian honour.
“And that, of course, is that made up coal trophy I was given a couple weeks ago,” said Trump. “Hey, they gave it to me, so what higher honour could there be?”
The “Undisputed Champion of Beautiful Clean Coal” award is given only to civilians who exhibit a meritorious contribution to security, world peace, or significant cultural endeavours.
“Past recipients include such luminaries as Donald J. Trump,” said Trump. “Think about it, this award is so prestigious that not even Mother Theresa or Martin Luther King Jr. have won this prize.”
Trump said that by blocking several dozen hockey pucks, Hellebuyck clearly had done as much for the national as anyone in history.
“Except for myself, of course,” said Trump. “The award will be presented just as soon as we can find the trophy from the dusty warehouse out back. I’m sending Kash Patel to find it as we speak.”
Trump reportedly chose the trophy because he was under the mistaken impression that hockey pucks were made from lumps of coal.