FRESNO, CA
Guillermo Toews, a soccer player from Paraguay, got FIFA’s first ever red card for yawning this week after appearing visibly bored during his match against Turkey.
“Hey, if the fans are bored that’s fine, but we can’t have the players confirming their doubts about soccer,” said FIFA President Gianni Infantino. “We’re trying to grow the game and players who yawn will not be tolerated.”
Similar bans on yawning have been implemented in other boring sports such as baseball, golf, and the last two minutes of any basketball game.
“I get it, this sport is as dull as watching paint dry,” said Infantino, “but we pay our athletes a lot of money, so they need to at least act like they’re into it.”
Toews was immediately erased from the Paraguay roster after the infraction.
“Ugh, half these Paraguayan Mennonite have connections to Canada,” said Infantino. “No wonder they can’t tolerate a game that doesn’t involve fights and ice skates.”
Unfortunately for Toews, he will have to serve his full penalty as he did not have the influence of President Donald Trump to save him.