WASHINGTON, DC
Just as negotiations between Canada and the US seemed like they were coming to a close, US Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick intervened at the last minute to create a massive $20 billion distraction from the Epstein Files.
“I really didn’t like the deal Trump had negotiated,” said Lutnick. “I mean, it all ended much too quickly. The more time we can spend creating economic chaos both domestically and abroad, the less time people are talking about my trip to Epstein Island.”
Lutnick says he’s going to keep stalling negotiations until he gets a fair deal that keeps people from remembering his strong close personal connections to Jeffrey Epstein.
“Quite frankly, we’re trying to help out the President in that regard, too,” said Lutnick. “I mean, why else do you think this war with Iran has lasted so long?”
In unrelated news, Lutnick has reportedly also imposed a 50% tariff on all exports of Canadian satire.