LAS VEGAS, NV
The inaugural Enhanced Games in Las Vegas this week will allow athletes from around the world to compete under the influence of summa borscht.
“It’s the first of its kind to allow competition without any testing for summa borscht, yerba mate, or even poppyseed cake,” said event organizer Maximilian Martens. “We’re really going to see a lot of records smashed now that power lifters and sprinters can use performance enhancing soups.”
The new games permit competitors to inject themselves with absolutely anything found in the Mennonite Treasury of Recipes.
“Pretty soon no one’s going to be paying any attention to the regular Olympics,” said Martens. “Just wait’ll you see what Usain Bolt can do with a bit of sorrel in his system.”
Not everyone’s in favour of the changes, however.
“Have you seen what too much summa borscht does to the body?” said health expert Linda Klippenstein. “Just look at my Onkel Pete. He ain’t no athlete, let me tell you. Plus, I hear it’s had a real impact on the size of his klops, if you know what I mean.”
Despite these criticisms, the Enhanced Games has carried on. Meanwhile, athletes in Winkler, Manitoba are wondering how all this summa borscht might affect their knipsing.