WASHINGTON, DC
In his most emphatic statement to date, US President Donald Trump has told Iranian authorities to give up because he holds all the Dutch Blitz cards.
“I’ve got all the cards. All the cards. Buggies. Plows. Pumps. Iran has nothing,” posted Trump at 3 am on Truth Social. “They don’t have any of the cards. Not even the Barrels.”
Trump has just come back from high stakes meetings with Iranian leadership in Oman.
“These were top secret meetings,” reports the BBC, “so we don’t know what went on behind closed doors, but we do know there was a lot of hand slapping.”
White House doctors are now saying that the mysterious bruises on the back of Trump’s hands are actually the result of hours of very vigorous Dutch Blitz playing.
“We’ve asked him to start playing Uno, but he’s a stubborn man. He just won’t give up the Dutch Blitz.”
Despite all his bravado and bragging, advisors have been hesitant to inform the President that holding all the cards at the end of a Dutch Blitz game actually means you’ve lost.