OTTAWA, ON
With a potential trade deal in the works, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney is asking Canadian to start drinking shitty inferior American beer once again.
“As a gesture of good will to our American friends, I’m asking Canadians to drink Coors and Budweiser once again,” said Carney. “If you really want this trade deal to go through, you can even crack open a particularly repugnant can of Miller Lite or two.”
For over a year, American booze has been absent from shelves in Canada, a move that came in response to Trump’s tariffs and threats of annexation.
“And in that time it’s seems we’ve sobered up a lot,” said Carney. “I sure hope it doesn’t impact our curling performance this winter.”
Carney says that even Canadian Mennonites can contribute to the effort of appeasing Trump by drinking gross beer.
“If you could all go back to closet drinking something really disgusting like Michelob Ultra, that would be appreciated,” said Carney. “You don’t even have to drink it. Just buy some and do one of those beer can chickens or something.”
Canadians were reluctant to drink all this shitty American beer once again, although most were happy to see the bourbon return.