SASKATOON, SK
Thousands of Mennonites are barely surviving this summer after a shortage of cottage cheese has left them without the necessary sustenance for life.
“My Henry’s a fighter, but I’m just not sure how much longer he can last,” said Mrs. Fehr. “The only good thing about this glums shortage is it’s giving my arthritic hands a break for once. Making enough vereniki to keep up with Henry’s demands is quite the challenge.”
Some Mennonites have tried to use potatoes in their vereniki, but this has not been sufficient to stave off the crisis.
“You can’t just go out and buy frozen store-bought potato and chedder perogies or something,” said Mrs. Fehr. “My Henry needs a good half gallon of cottage cheese every morning or he starts to fade.”
Medical technology is keeping thousands of Mennonites alive during the shortage, but it is costing the Canadian health care system millions of dollars.
“We’ve gotta get cottage cheese flowing again,” said Prime Minister Carney. “This shortage is going to put a real damper on the upcoming Mennonite Heritage Week celebrations.”
The cottage cheese shortage is considered the greatest threat to Canadian Mennonites since the Roger’s Golden Syrup crisis of 1963.