The Daily Bonnet sent out a team of single people (spinsters, grumpy old men, young people being pressured by their frintschoft to ‘get married already’, etc.) to try out their best pick-up lines. Their effectiveness was judged based on the willingness of the recipient to either:
a) attend the upcoming barn dance with you
b) sit in your pew next Sunday in church
c) hold hands after a long and vigorous courting period
d) bake you a rhubarb platz.
Based on our completely scientific and reliable methods, here are the ten most effective Mennonite pick-up lines. Feel free to try them out at the Frantz Motor Inn or Rocks Bar and Grill this weekend!
- “Can I see your ankles?” – 83% effective on women. In our field testing, this pick-up line did quite well, with more than 8 out of 10 women responding positively, and more than 50% offering to actually show their ankles, though most women were unwilling to remove their thick brown nylons. The men we tested reportedly did not like being asked this.
- “I better get a Jake Epp Library card…because I’m checkin’ you out!” – 71% effective on both men and women. This one worked well in Steinbach, but, for some reason, was completely ineffective in Winkler. Winklerites preferred ‘Are you from Chihuahua? Because you’re making me howl!”
- “Kjenn jie noch Plautdietsch? Yo? Oba, let’s yust make out dan.” – 60% effective on both men and women. Some people found this one a bit too forward, but those who liked it, liked it a lot, and were more than willing to make out with the asker, especially if he had a beard and suspenders or she wore a flower dress and rollerblades.
- “Is that knackzoat in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” – 96% effective. Altona residents we tested just loved this one. In fact this one pick-up line was so effective that there were five pregnancies and three shot-gun weddings as a result.
- “I hope you know CPR…because you’re taking my breath away….either that or I’ve had way too much schmaunt fat.” – 30% effective. The participants we tested seemed to prefer a man who was not likely to keel over in a heart attack at any moment. Mennonite men, apparently, don’t like a woman who ate too much schmaunt fat.
- “Are you a mason jar? Because I’d like to pop your lid and taste what’s inside….oh, shoot, bread and butter pickles? Well, forget it then!” – 45% effective. Some found this pick-up line a bit tasteless, while others said they actually preferred bread and butters to dills, but I’m not sure who would want to date a girl like that anyway.
- “I’ve gotta brand new John Deere and I’m just waiting to spread manure with a girl like you.” – 98% effective. The new tractor was seen as a sign of stability to the women we asked. Manure spreading received a much more positive reception than our testers predicted.
- “I’d like to hold a hymnal with you.” – 90% effective. This one worked especially well for women trying to pick-up a man. There’s just something about holding a hymnal together that suggests a level of intimacy unrivalled in Mennonite circles.
- “Are you Russian? Because you’re Russian into my heart.” – 53% effective. This didn’t work at all if the participant turned out to be Swiss Mennonite. Russian Mennonites, however, responded positively to this pick-up line, especially if offered a bowl of cabbage borscht immediately afterwards.
- “I know we’re cousins…but I’d like to be cousins-with-benefits.” – 99% effective. This worked especially well at the Klassen, Dueck, Reimer, and Penner gatherings our testers attended. It also worked well at Grandma Hiebert’s funeral and cousin Peter’s post-baptism faspa.
(photo credit: by joeannenah CC)