I know what you’re thinking – “it’s my last name, so I can spell it however I want” or “who are you to say how our last name should be spelled?” And I’m sympathetic to that point of view, but we are Mennonites, after all, and we do have standards. We’re nothing if we don’t have rules. Arbitrary ones. Dictated from above.
So, yes, I’ve come up with a list of correct surname spelling before, but we’ve never been so bold as to call out the mis-spellers. However, after consulting with the church elders, I’ve come up with a list of Mennonites who are definitely spelling their last names incorrectly.
- Taves – I get what you’re trying to do here. You’re sick and tired of people calling you “toes”, but just because other people are ignorant, it doesn’t mean you need to abandon your heritage. Toews or bust.
- Ungar – As a longtime Unger, I cringe whenever I see this erroneous spelling. Would you eat a sausage made by Ungar Meats? I don’t think so.
- Ens – It’s two Ns, people! This must be the liberal GC spelling or something.
- Bergmann – On the other hand, sometimes the second N is superfluous. After all, my grandfather spelled his last name with one N, but then he also was a big fan of Casablanca*, so …
- Classen – I will defer to Cindy Klassen on this one.
- Dick – This is fine as a first name, but the last name can only be spelled Dueck or Dyck. And, yes, that means it’s more difficult for outsiders to pronounce, but it also means you’ll get teased less often.
- Goerzen – You can’t just discard a T whenever you feel like it. Besides that T is in there for a reason as it also assists in the proper pronunciation. I’m guessing that this spelling originated from a group of rogue Jantsieders trying yet again to distinguish themselves from us prim and proper Ditsieders.
- Sawatsky – This one needs a Z not an S. (I mean in the middle there, of course. Not the beginning. That can stay an S.)
- Brown – Braun. This is just some Menno trying to masquerade as an Englisher. Probably lives in Saskatoon or something.
- Hildibrand – Seriously, who even are these people?
Merry Christmas, everyone! Enjoy your new proper spellings!
*5 points if you get this joke.