TORONTO, ON
Furious at Crown Royal for shutting down a bottling plant in southern Ontario, Premier Doug Ford held a press conference this afternoon where he emptied out an entire Crown Royal bag full of Scrabble tiles.
“I am asking that every Ontarian take this seriously,” said Ford. “We can no longer keep our Scrabble tiles or crokinole tiles in Crown Royal bags.”
The news hit especially hard in Leamington, Ontario, where the local Mennonite community scrambled to find some other place to store their gaming pieces.
“Apparently, we’re also not supposed to store our Uno cards in American-made margarine containers anymore, either,” said Mrs. Ens. “It’s going to be a struggle finding new places to put everything.”
Local MCC stores struggled to keep up with the demand.
“Right now, we’re really looking for plastic container donors,” said thrift store manager Diane Unger. “Becel, Imperial – at this point, we’re so desperate we’ll take anything.”
Mennonite men across Ontario are planning to closet drink as much Crown Royal as they can over the coming weeks, as the bags are already fetching a tidy sum on the black market.