WASHINGTON, DC
A new report out of the nation’s capital this weekend suggests north is south, east is west, and up is down.
“Rather than burdening each citizen with the arduous task of looking into things for themselves and drawing their own conclusions,” said the White House, “we’re asking that everyone just take our word for it on the correct geographic orientation of things.”
The notion that “down is up” has created considerable challenges for the nation’s citizens.
“Even when I ran at top speed down the hallway, I still couldn’t get my shoes to stick to the ceiling,” said Mr. Schmidt. “But I’m certain they’re correct. I just need to try a little harder, that’s all.”
Mr. Schmidt says he’s already begun referring to his basement as the attic and his floor as the ceiling.
“I’m doing renovations on the place as we speak,” said Mr. Schmidt. “It’s been a bit bewildering for the contractors, but I’m sure they’ll come around and see things the correct way eventually.”
This dramatic reorientation process has caused dizzy spells for Mr. Schmidt, but he says he’s going to keep powering through.
“I’ll be walking on the ceiling in no time,” said Mr. Schmidt, steadying himself to avoid fainting. “I know it seems impossible to some people, but it’s all a matter of patience and practice. If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.”
Mr. Schmidt is hoping to have his whole house looking like an MC Escher drawing by the end of the week.