WASHINGTON, DC
Historians are breathing a sigh of relief this weekend as not a single mention of George Washington was discovered in the latest batch of Epstein files.
“His name has been completely cleared,” said historian Ralph Schmidt. “No photos. No emails. Nothing. I hope we can now put this whole Epstein thing behind us and move on.”
The news sent a tidal wave of relief across the county.
“Would you look at that? Seems like we found a prominent American male who’s not in the files,” said Schmidt. “I think our long national nightmare is finally over.”
Experts, however, are warning Americans not to jump to any conclusions.
“We’re all delighted to hear the news about Washington. But, remember, just because a name is not in the Epstein files, doesn’t mean he’s not guilty of something else.”
Skeptics are cautious about the news, saying there’s still a chance Washington’s name might pop in the millions of pages the DOJ has yet to release.