STEINBACH, MB
The City of Steinbach is urging residents to boil their schmaunt fat this afternoon after a private contractor accidentally damaged the pipe that supplies locals with clean fresh white cream gravy.
“If it looks discoloured, don’t eat it,” said mayor Earl Funk. “Don’t assume that discolouration is from the farmer sausage drippings. It could be much worse.”
For avid schmaunt fat consumer Brittany Klippenstein, the thought of a tainted supply was of great concern.
“I’m staying over at Taunte Lina’s in Grunthal until the schmaunt fat supply is safe to consume,” said Klippenstein. “They get their schmaunt fat straight from the Joubert Creek.”
Meanwhile all of Steinbach’s schmaunt fat comes from a massive underground cistern.
“It’ll take some time to flush the system and get that crisp clean schmaunt fat flowing again,” said Funk. “I hate to say it, but maybe it’s best if you just used sour cream for the time being.”
Unwilling to compromise, millions of Steinbachers have decided to move to Winker rather than ever sully their vereniki with sour cream.