OTTAWA, ON
Moments after the US victory on Sunday morning, millions of Canadians have decided they no longer have any interest in the sport of hockey.
“President Trump warned us of this very thing,” said hockey fan Darren Giesbrecht. “At the time I couldn’t figure out how China would get us to quit hockey, but hey it worked.”
According to sources, there was significant foreign interference in the men’s and women’s hockey finals.
“A missed ‘too many men’ penalty doesn’t come out of nowhere,” said Giesbrecht. “Strange, though, I had no idea the Trump administration had such close ties with China.”
The impact of the Olympic loses was felt immediately, with Canadians from coast to coast vowing never to watch again. Even Canada’s top players say they’re done.
“Yeah, I’m good,” said Connor McDavid. “Might as well let China takeover after that performance.”
With no hockey fans remaining, recently unemployed goaltender Connor Hellebuyck has reportedly had to melt down his Presidential Medal of Freedom just to pay next month’s rent.
(photo credit: mark6mauno/CC)