10 Things Definitely NOT Found in Donald Trump’s Safe

While there has been much speculation about the contents of Donald Trump’s Mar-A-Lago safe, we here at The Daily Bonnet feel it’s best not to speculate. There’s no doubt the safe is filled with high priced items, but as serious journalists, we have chosen to wait until we have all the facts before reporting on such matters. So, instead, of guessing what treasures might be in there, we figured we could at least rule out a few items that we’re pretty sure are not in the ex-President’s safe.

  • A vintage Rogers Golden syrup tin – Mrs. Fehr of Rosetown owns them all
  • A Chicken Chef gift card with $62 left on it – there’s no way anyone wouldn’t use it all up
  • Mint copy first pressing of the highly sought after Winnipeg Mennonite Children’s Choir LP – this item can only be found at the Altona MCC store
  • A hand-written manuscript copy of Rhoda Janzen’s Mennonite in a Little Black DressI’m sure this under lock and key in the FPU archives
  • BC Lions 55-yard-line seats – Such a hot ticket. Everyone wants to see Nathan Rourke light it up.
  • The iconic Bethel College threshing stone – too large to fit in a safe
  • A first edition base set PSA 9 Charizard – As if Trump could keep it in PSA 9 condition
  • A bag of flour from the Mennonite Heritage Village windmill – I hear Trump mills his own flour
  • A full-size replica costume of Bluffton University mascot Denny Beaver – Trump prefers EMU’s Herm the Blue Lion
  • Mr. Penner’s missing kjnipser – impossible to find
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